relationships

I try to anticipate questions you might have about our counseling and provide the answers here. If you need additional information click here to email me through my contact form.

1. What are the benefits of counseling?

   The goal for everyone that I see is to develop a better sense of self and a greater sense of satisfaction in their lives. They feel better about themselves and see improvement in the quality of their relationships. My clients develop skills to be able to interact with others in such a way that they are more respectful to their own needs while being respectful to the needs of others.

   Although miracles do not always occur, I have helped innumerable couples save their relationships when one or both of them were initially certain that their love could not be restored.

   In other cases, I have helped many individuals who have a history of being victimized in their relationships develop the skills to become self-protective and the self-esteem necessary to find happiness and satisfaction in their lives.

2. What is your counseling philosophy?

   I believe that everyone has a right to happiness and satisfaction. A sense of fulfillment is obtained when an individual is fully accepting of his/her self and respectful of the needs of others. Ideally each individual is raised to believe that he/she is special just by virtue of being themselves. In less than ideal situations, the person’s experiences lead them to negative self-perceptions and a sense of shame about who they are. I help people overcome these negative self-images and gain a sense of acceptance of their true selves.

3. What is your approach like?

   I take a commonsense, practical approach to counseling. I pay particularly close attention to relationships and family dynamics. My major focus is on what is going on in the individual’s life in the present. Sometimes it can be useful to look at one’s childhood, however, because as children we develop patterns of interaction and roles that served us well with our circumstances growing up, but can lead to dysfunction as adults.

4. What are your particular strengths as a therapist?

   Perhaps my greatest strength is my ability to work effectively with both individuals who are taken advantage of in relationships and their partners who are taking advantage of them. I was the founder and executive director of a not for profit agency that provided individual and marriage counseling to police officers and their families. By working for twenty-five years with the police, I became particularly effective with working with men who are resistant to counseling and their spouses. I believe my ability to make a positive connection with authoritarian men as well as their wives and girlfriends sets me apart from most therapists.

   I also believe that the fact that I genuinely like my clients gives me a leg up. To a greater of lesser degree I can relate to every person who I have ever seen in counseling. The natural empathy that arises from this makes me feel a true investment in whether or not my clients’ problems are resolved.

5. What are your feelings about anti-depressant medications?

   The advances that have been made over the past twenty years in the field of psychotropic medication has been a great benefit to many and has even saved many lives. However, I believe that the medical field has developed an over reliance on their use. Too many people are turning to pills for a quick fix when they need to take a look at their lives and make changes in the ways they cope with problems and relate to others. I consider myself to be an “old fashioned” counselor who fully supports the use of anti-depressant medication when it is truly indicated and when it is used as an adjunct to psychotherapy.

6. Will my insurance cover counseling?

   Most health insurance policies will cover all or a portion of psychotherapy for problems that fit the criteria for a diagnosis such as depression or an anxiety disorder. Other problems such as couples communication issues and general life dissatisfaction are not covered by insurance. When we meet a determination is made about whether it is in your best interests to pursue insurance reimbursement. I am on the panel for Blue Cross Blue Shield and Medicare. Depending on each individual’s policy, other companies–Aetna, Cigna, and United Healthcare, for example–have out of network benefits. I am happy to submit claims to the insurance company on the client’s behalf and I only expect to receive the co-payment from the client. Some people make a payment after each session and others prefer to be billed on a monthly basis.

7. What is your fee and do you ever offer a reduction?

   My full fee after the initial meeting is $165 per session. If one does not have insurance that will pay a portion of this or if one’s financial situation is tight, then we can talk about a reduction in the fee. Since everyone’s situation is different, the decision is determined on a case by case basis.

8. Do you work evenings?

   I am in Northbrook on Monday and Wednesday in the evening and in Oak Brook on Tuesday and Thursday evenings.

9. How do I make an appointment?

   It is easiest to call or text me at (847) 707-0657. The office numbers are (847) 272-7089 (Northbrook office) or (630) 571-8722 (Oak Brook office). If you prefer to e-mail, my address is rgilbert@rorygilbert.com. I make every effort to schedule people as quickly as possible, usually within three days.

Offices and telephone:

899 Skokie Boulevard, Suite 220
Northbrook, Illinois 60062
Call or text (847) 707-0657

Email: rgilbert@rorygilbert.com

If you require a more immediate response or would like to send a text, my cell number is
(847) 707-0657

Male and Female Differences

I hesitate to make broad generalizations about the differences between the sexes because there are so many exceptions to the rule, but there are patterns that occur with enough frequency that they are worth noting. When people are experiencing difficulties in their personal lives, they tend to get their needs met in one of two dysfunctional ways that represent opposite ends of a continuum. On one end are those individuals who place the needs of others in front of their own. The majority of people on this side of the continuum are women. They fall into the trap of believing that, if their loved ones are happy, then they will find happiness themselves and that their partners will reciprocate the love and attention that was bestowed upon them. The problem is that this love and attention is often not reciprocated. They are often taken advantage of in their relationships and in the extreme become victims.

The other end of the continuum, which is comprised mostly of men, contains those individuals who see to it their needs and wishes are met regardless of the consequences this has on others. These people will knowingly, or often not knowingly, take advantage of others in order to get their way. This tendency to put their own needs first can become selfish and self-centered and even abusive in the extreme.

My goal is to assist people at both ends of this continuum find a happy medium. I help the women who have the potential of being victimized develop better ways of getting their own needs met and to become equipped to protect themselves from the selfishness of their husbands or boyfriends. Concerning the men who operate in a self-centered or abusive manner, I help them develop a more sensitive and respectful way of interacting with their wives or girlfriends and learn more self-control and patience in response to their own needs.

I love the parable of the blind men and the elephant. That’s the story in which six blind men are standing in front of an elephant and they are asked to identify what is before them. The one standing by the tusks describes a hard, bony creature; the one at the trunk insists it is long and snakelike; and so on with each blind man describing a different part of the elephant including the ears, the tail, the leg, and the side. As the blind men debate the nature of the elephant, they each become more and more adamant that only their view is the correct one and the argument becomes increasingly heated.

This is a perfect analogy for psychotherapists from different perspectives describing psychotherapy. The psychodynamic/psychoanalytic therapists believe that exploring the unconscious to gain insight into unresolved issues from the past is the answer. Cognitive therapists want to look at people’s thought patterns and beliefs while not having much of an opinion on the unconscious, and behaviorists also thumb their noses at traditional psychoanalysts by insisting that measurable behaviors are the only thing to be considered.  Perhaps the most myopic view of all is that of the modern psychiatrist who does not even do psychotherapy, but rather, views emotional distress exclusively as the result of a medical, brain chemistry problem.

Everyone would agree that the blind men who self-righteously insist that only their view is correct are pretty damn silly. The same can be said of the shrinks who are true believers that think that only their view is valid. All of us humans are the products of our thoughts and feelings, and we were all shaped as adults by our childhood experience—not to mention our biological makeup. It is only commonsense that an effective approach to therapy takes all of these variables into consideration.

So in my psychotherapy practice I consider what thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors are creating problems for my clients, and I try to get a sense of what factors from their past created their fears and insecurities. Which of these factors I emphasize in therapy—thoughts, feelings, behavior, past experiences or any other psychological phenomenon—is determined on a case-by-case basis depending on the client’s situation and his or her perspective of the problem.

Contrary to the old-fashioned stereotype, most people who come to therapy are quite high functioning and do not suffer from severe psychiatric disorders. This is certainly true with my practice. Although some of them may be depressed or are excessively anxious, they hold good jobs and are responsible adults. Their intimate relationships are where they get tripped up and run into trouble.

Although I consider myself to be a crackerjack therapist, my unrequited dream is to be a great golfer. As such, I have the ability to make everything in life into a golf analogy. You can take some half decent golfers and put them on a driving range and their swing can look pretty good. However, if you take one of those same golfers and put him or her on a championship course with hills, sand traps, and water, the guy who looked like Ben Hogan on the range may now look like someone suffering from a serious muscular disorder. From a counseling standpoint, work and social  relationships are easy . They are the driving range of life, but intimate relationships are our real life equivalent to U.S. Open-style golf courses filled with all of life’s greatest challenges. To make matters more complicated, the relationship is a “system,” an entity in and of itself that is more than just the sum of the two people’s personalities. Relationships have a life of their own that reinforce each individual’s good and bad personality traits. Check out my “Joe and Gina” entry on my blog and you’ll see a husband whose extreme need to be in the spotlight reinforces the wife’s unhealthy need to be in the shadows and vice versa. My counseling practice pays close attention to the qualities and characteristics of the relationship and the way that the individual personalities affect and are affected by the relationship. I believe that this “systems perspective” insures that I don’t make the same mistake that the blind men make with their elephant.